I'm Okay
by black mirage
Summary: A songfic about Botan's life before she became the grim reaper. The song is...I'm OK by: Christina Aguilera.


Okay. I decided to write a song-fic. It's a spur of the moment thing. It's only going to be one chapter.

Song-fic about Botan's life before she died. (I don't know about her life so I'm just making something up. )

Song: I'm OK By: Christina Aguilera

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or the song.

**Bold letters are the song.**

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Botan lay in her room, having finished her ferrying job for the moment. She was thankful for this peace. Her job wasn't exactly a job she looked forward to doing. She hated seeing all of those sad, lonely people. The only thing that made it easier, was knowing that she was there for them. She could sometimes make them feel a little better, and that was enough for her. She hated seeing their depressed expressions, no thanks to her prior life. It was still fresh in her mind. She turned up the volume on her walkman, listening to someone named Christina Aguilera. 

(Flashback)

**Once upon a time there was a girl **

**In her early years she had to learn**

**How to grow up living in a war that she called home**

**Never knew just where to turn for shelter from the storm**

"Shut up!" I sat in the corner of the living room, watching my parents argue. Fists raised, hatred expressed on their faces. Shadows danced across their frames, dramatizing the scene even more. I whimpered as my father slapped my mom. I was used to it by now, but I always hoped their fighting would stop. Of course that was a wish that would never be granted.

**It hurt me to see the pain cross my mother's face **

**Every time my father's fist would put her in her place**

**Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room**

**Hoping it would be over soon**

I ran upstairs as my father turned to me, clearly being drunk. I didn't like it when he would turn on me, but it was better than seeing my mom get beat up. I closed the door as he rampaged up the stairs, yelling curses at me. I locked it so he wouldn't be able to get in. I sat on my bed and covered my ears, praying that it would stop soon. I curled up on the flower-patterned bed and closed my eyes, waiting to fall asleep. At long last, through all of the screaming, it came to me.

Sunshine shone through the window as I opened my eyes, my blue hair obscuring some of the room. I sighed in relief. Nothing extreme had happened. That was a good thing. I smelled bacon coming from the kitchen and smirked. Putting on some clothes, I sneaked down the stairs, looking to see who was in the kitchen. My mother was standing at the stove, cooking. She always wore an apron that said 'Home Is Where The Heart Is.' Yeah, some truth that spoke for us.

"Hi, Mom," I greeted as I sat down at the wooden table.

"Hi, sweetheart. Ready for school?" She turned around and I saw a slight mark near her eye. She was trying to cover up her bruise by wearing foundation. Lots of it. She always tried to hide things from me, even though I already knew. It hurt that she still tried to shelter me. I could handle it.

"Yes," I said, trying not to give away that I was nervous. She placed some bacon in front of me as I thought of the marks on her face.

**Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same **

**And I still remember how you kept me so afraid**

**Strength is my mother for all the love she gave**

**And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday**

**And I'm OK**

I picked up my backpack and headed for the door, dreading having to face the taunting at school. Tears slid down my face the more I thought of my dad. I felt so guilty that I couldn't stop him from drinking. What if it was my fault he was drinking in the first place? I felt shamed that I was thinking these things, but I couldn't help it. The school came into my view and I inhaled deeply.

**I often wonder why I carry all this guilt **

**When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built**

"Hey, Botan!" Ayame walked up to me and smiled. "Here we go! Deep breath now." She inhaled and motioned for me to mimic. I didn't need to be told twice. I felt like I was about to throw up. We walked up to the school together and she smiled at me. As soon as we entered the school, everyone started hiding their mouths behind their hands and whispering while looking at me. Some people may think that a drunk father isn't a big deal. Well, my town is perfect and tiny. Perfect cut lawns, perfect houses, perfect people, and an all around perfect neighborhood. It wouldn't have been that big of a deal if it would have been in a larger city. But, everyone knew everyone else in this town.

I lowered my head at them and went through my day having to listen to things like, "I wonder why he drinks….Is she like that too?….Poor girl…." It made me sick. I wanted to scream at them and tell them to shut up, that they didn't know my father. It wouldn't have helped, though.

I finally got home and dropped my bag on the floor near the door while taking off my shoes. I went upstairs to my bedroom and awaited the night when my father would return…..

My door was closed but I still could hear them shouting at each other, even with the extra coverage of placing my hands over my ears. "Stop!" I yelled, but it didn't work. I started crying, telling them to please stop.

**Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door **

**Echoes of a broken child screaming please no more**

**Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done**

**For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on**

Finally the yelling stopped and I removed my hands from my ears. There was a knock on the door and, reluctantly, I went to open it. My mom yelled to me, but it was too late. My father burst into my room and grabbed me by the hair. "How dare you have her cook your meals? You're old enough, you little brat!"

"Stop! Please!" My mom was tugging at his arm, but he simply pushed her away. She was crying as I screamed at him. I noticed a couple scratches on her face and guessed it was from being pushed into something. My heart shattered every time I saw my mother like this. It felt like slow motion as I realized my father was pushing me down the stairs. I knocked my head several times as I kept thinking that I was going to die.

"I'm going to kill you!" I recognized my mother's voice.

Thud. Pain shot through me. Blackness enveloped me.

**Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same **

**And I still remember how you kept me so afraid**

**The strength is my mother for all the love she gave**

**Every morning that I pray I look back at yesterday**

I awoke to beeping. Beeping. Fluttering my eyes open, I closed them tight again from the blinding light. I looked around the room and was disappointed that my mom wasn't there. I saw a nurse enter. She had dark hair and blue eyes. She looked like an angel, and for a minute I thought I was in heaven. Of course, heaven didn't hook you up to needles and machines.

"How are you feeling?" Her voice was very sad, as if she knew something I didn't.

I frowned and woke up a little more before I answered. "What happened?"

"Well, you fell down some stairs and broke your leg and dislocated your shoulder," the nurse said politely.

"Where's my mom and dad?"

The nurse looked away as if trying to hold back tears. "Um…you see…your mother tried to stab your father a couple times from what I know, and well…she didn't make it." She looked away as I lay there shocked.

My mother? Dead? That can't be! I started crying. I cried like I had never cried before. The sobs breaking my chest, ripping from my throat. "W-what about…my father?" I said through tears.

"He shot himself," she said quickly.

What? No. They both can't be dead! A scream escaped my mouth. The power to stop was beyond me. I was never going to make anyone sad, I vowed. My mother died because of me. It was all my fault. I know I didn't hate my father for what he did. I just wished I could have helped in some way. I felt powerless. In some way, I would have changed everything him if I could have. It wasn't his fault. Or my mothers. It was mine. Deep down, I knew it was my fault.

**It's not easy to forget, all the marks you left along her neck **

**When I was thrown against cold stairs**

**And everyday afraid to come home in fear of what I might see, next**

(One year later)

I live with my aunt and uncle now. I still cry every night, but it's nothing compared the guilt inside of me. Maybe I'll get through this, maybe I won't. Everyone thinks I'm fine, putting up this façade that I'm happy. Always laughing and acting ditzy. I just don't want anyone else to be sad around me. It hurts to see people like that, especially if I'm the one making them that way. I made a promise in that hospital, and I'm never going to break it. I will keep that vow.

(End of flashback)

Botan sighed as the song came to a close. She hadn't died from suicide, as some people would think. Infact, she had been facing a good life ahead of her, up until she was killed by a drunk driver on her way to a school dance. Even in her death of being a ferry to Reikai, she kept her promise that she had made all those years ago. She acted happy around everyone to bring a smile to their face, and that's what she believed she had to do to make up for causing so much pain before. She was happy now, though. She got to comfort those in pain. It was what she loved to do. But she would never forget her life before.

**Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same **

**And I still remember how you kept me so afraid**

**Strength is my mother for all the love she gave**

**And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday**

**And I'm OK**

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**Author's Note: **Did you like it? I was bored and the song inspired me, so I wrote a little song-fic. Please review! Please? PLEASE? 


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